Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Today's observations 15.04.14

1. I don't get the rage that much, but a commuter sitting in the aisle seat of a packed train, therefore blocking access to the empty seat next to him, gives me the 'ump. Especially when the sweaty prat folds down the table of the empty seat, so it looks "occupied". It doesn't look occupied. It looks available. You gormless inconsiderate prat. See this finger? I'd like to poke it into your eyeball, you arrogant tool.
2. Whilst I'm on that that topic, oh witless one, don't *for one second* think that burying your red nose deep into a newspaper makes that seat any less available. Just because you are mock-engaged into Metro, it doesn't strip another seat-less commuter's ability to get you to move your fat arse.
3. Whilst waiting to disembark the train (and additionally wait to be thrown forward into the adjoining carriage on the train stopping with the grace of the aforementioned seat-thief)  I took a look around at the other impatient commuters who were hanging around the train doors, wanting to get off as soon as the train stopped and hence wasting no time getting home. There's the usual non-eye contact. There's the usual lanky bloke with the fold-up bike. There's the OAP lady with more luggage than anyone else in the world ever. There's the suit who is still fiddling around with his blackberry. There's the Sloany teen with her long legs, beads and plimsols who is still picking the Chicken Flatbread that she started an hour ago. There's the builder who still has his high-viz on. There's the middle aged woman-chums who are squiffy from their shopping trip. Everyone has earphones in. Everyone is listening to music. No-body can actually hear anyone else. It's bizarre. You could shriek, whistle, swear, announce a platform change, cackle or fart, and nobody would hear you.
4. The OAP has no ear phones. But I imagine that her hearing is a little weaker than the others in any case.
5. I feel all swishy when I walk through stations. Like I'm famous or important or something. I also like to imagine that I'm meeting a loved one after a long absence. I have no idea why I do this. I'd wager I talk to myself too. Because of those damn earphones I can't hear anything anyway.
6. I played it cool. I was walking down the platform to get on the train that would take me home. It was 5:28. The train was leaving at 5:30. I took my time. The fellow passengers already seated on the train no doubt looked at me with admiration; me looking all clam and cool, walking down the platform, looking for an available seat through the windows, not in a hurry because the train would leave soon. I'm a regular commuter, I'm a worldly bird, I'm London savvy. Check me out with my assured stroll further down the platform.
7. Then a uniformed bloke blew a whistle and I started running and leapt into the train. The change in my gait and expression was likely quite comical.

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