Today's observations 23.06.14

1. We've just returned from the "Elite Holiday Villa". Most of my "Today's observations" are actually about our jolly to Hunstanton.
2. When it comes to kid's holidays, weather is king. You are simply not allowed to sit in the pub all day when you have eager sponge-minded children with you. It's not really acceptable, or even practical, to sit in a non-licensed venue (caravan, tent, QD) with them all day either. It really pays for your children to get out in the fresh air; with a bit of luck and cunning planning, they'll find another family to adopt. This chance is maximised by loitering near another family (or a childless couple!) who own a dog, a remote control gadget or a type of mechanical apparatus. If the new family (or couple!) don't do anything weird or religious with your precious offspring within 5-7mins, then they are consequently fair game to be left with the kids for the afternoon whilst you and the old man head off down "The Sundowner's Lounge" to partake in the most excellent promotion of BOGOF Sol.
3. I read Russell Brand's Booky Wook on holiday. It made me most enlightened to a few things; all of which spurred a fairish and comforting relief in myself. Amongst these things: he writes great and despite slandering his education (or contribution hereto), his vocabulary and prose is actually mesmerising. Also, you will never again feel guilty for your weekly 10 Marlboro Lights or the bottle-and-a-half of Sauvignon that you drank on most nights of your Norfolk jolly. You cannot feel guilty for this when Brand's consumption of the most alien and exotic of drink, drug and solvent stuffs to such extreme measures over such a long space of time has rendered him, nevertheless, a successful and profound bloke. One more thing: his writing style makes you want to say "parody", "cock-spurring" and "saucy!" a lot.
5. It's the right thing to do on holiday; relax. Most people do this. It's average and normal. Lots of folk like to sit and just chill out. Watch the world go by. Admire the view. Take a deep breath and soak up the scenario and the seaside vibe. Smell the chippy air and soak up the Whippy. I'm not very good at this. I do try to sit down. But it seems like we are waiting for something. And I get angsty. Like, what are we *actually going to do now?*. How long do we plan on sitting down, then? You know, just a ball park timeframe? Shall I go to the toilet now or after we've finished relaxing? Shall I take my shoes off? Would it be ok to do this in the pub with a drink in hand?
6. Perhaps I need to take some relaxing drugs like Brand.
7. It was a nice parenting moment. My kids, for the first time, went to a children's entertainment show in the clubhouse of the caravan site. Basically, of those of you who don't know (I bet everyone knows this), the prologue of the night's respective cabaret, magician, comedian  etc is a group of young adults from Cork, Hull, Leicester and Hull who try to entertain the kids whilst up on stage, waving their arms around, investing in dance routines, and talking "a lit-le bit like *this!!"the kids love it.  I remember it as a kid too (Although i don't remember liking it much, nor being able to really see much through the Silk-Cut fug). Anyway, my kids were great. They teetered up to the dance floor, fiercely holding each other's hands for moral support (or to establish their gang colours and territory, perhaps) and sat down. My oldest, who is 3, systematically rubbed her little brother's back for comfort and reassuring him that she wasn't leaving without him. I was overwhelmingly proud of her maternal instinct. I was disproportionately overjoyed and choked at my son's terrific behaviour. They had a flappy clappy dance with the "Sunshine crew" and tried to win me over for the adult dance. I did it of course, but only because I was a bit pished and had a nice top on.
8. When announcing the start of the adult dance, one of the "Sunshine Crew" told the kids that if mum and dad didn't want to dance it meant that they didn't love you anymore. I can see how the guy was trying to be funny. It was a good attempt at some "nudge-nudge ain't I a Joker!" humour but I didn't think hit the spot to be honest. Perhaps I am a little overprotective of what my pre-schoolers hear due to humour being generally a little lost on their SpongeBob minds at the moment and heaven forbid, they might've believed that dipshit Sunshine Stu.
9. The following night, my kids were cutting some shapes on the dancefloor again. My daughter excellent particularly, and her moves were most likely visually improved by the fact that her dance partner brother, didn't move at all and just stood, even through Carly Rae Jensen's "Call me Maybe" (a fav of mine) and stared at the stage with big eyes. His sister, although seriously digging her own moves, didn't move from his side and tried on several occasions to get him to participate by pushing her own face really close to his and stroking his back again. Another couple of kids started dancing nicely nearby and Annie grooved her way over and did some rather fantastic jazz hands whilst nodding her head like that fat-insurance-dog-car-toy. The other kids were accompanied by their adults and looked to them for reassurance that they could dance over to mine. These adults didn't know that we were sat right next to the dance floor and were in ear shot of them. I was a little surprised to hear (or watch her mouth - perhaps a combination of the two) that these kids there are travelling children. I think she meant mine! Oh dear.
10. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I bowed to the pressure and tried to indirectly assert my non Romany roots. I swiftly sashayed over to my gyrating daughter and statue rock-son and spoke to the kids in my absolutely dripping with regality Sloaney (and very made-up) voice *very loudly* so that the bitch knew I actually had a fixed abode. I said something wanky and unnecessary like "Do come on feather-britches, our Quail's Eggs are almost certainly al dente!" or "Bumpfy, darrrlling! Mummy would really like to to finish off your Almond Milk *before* you start your crevettes".
11. Of course, and entirely accurate retort to the (unfair!) accusation would have been "Annie, Mum has got a little tiddly and probably heard that woman totally incorrectly and has managed to actually piss herself off".
12. The following night, the "Sunshine Crew" brought out their mascot to cheer up the kids, who were no doubt a bit bored of Stu and Siobhan and their crappy dance moves, which were actually way too difficult for the kids to mimick. The mascot was a Seal called, actually, it might not have had a name. Shoddy. Anyway, he for sure *did* have mixamatosis or had previously had an unsuccessful run-in with a boat propellor.
13. A 7-seater hire car has no regard for the sheer amount of luggage that my aunty has to take with her for a 3-day holiday.
14. Our own car feels a bit shit now. Like a go-kart.

Today's observations 11.06.14

1. Space invaders. I've decided that there are certain situations where rules about personal space are compromised. Conflicting circumstances include underground trains/tubes/metros, where you can feasibly stand on someone's head and be within the parameters of decent manners and two very opposite places: sandwich  aisles of Boots, Tescos, Sainsburys and the reduced fresh section in Tesco. In these 2 zones, you have to give people a massive wide berth. People need their own space when choosing sandwiches or which price-slashed ready meal to poach from underneath someone's nose. It's strange that we subconsciously don't crowd people in these displays of lunch-stuffs or nearly-off fish. We stand back, peruse from afar. We know that we have already chosen, and mentally committed, to the Tuna Mayonnaise, but we can't reach for it until the fellow peruser, who stands around 10mm closer to the sandwich display than yourself, hasn't chosen yet and reaching for the sandwich may infringe their view. The reduced counter in supermarkets have a similar etiquette, expect for the anarchists: the OAPs whose grabby hands can snatch the 49p rollmops with stealth and sniper precision.
2. The World Cup has started and I am excited. Sporting choice aside, it gives my OH and I an opportunity to crowd around the TV and be jovial most evenings. It also means, however, we will spend lots of money going out to watch tv somewhere else.
3. My car was serviced today. I used a great garage that was recommended. They sorted the jalopy right out. The air conditioning no longer feels like Sunday morning breath: it now is an Swiss Alpine breeze experience. They hoovered up the jammy dodgers too. I do, however, have a minor gripe - and one that I recall experiencing before. When the service/work is all finished, they dump the completed and polished car in their forecourt ready for my collection. Unfortunately, they park it in such a fashion that *always* makes it awkward for me to drive away. I assure you; I'm an accomplished and relatively skilled driver. I'm confident in my skills. But there's something about reversing out of a space, left-manoeuvring around recently coiffured Lexus and right-angling around a sparkly Range Rover, whilst under the observing eyes of several mechanics, that leaves me a little nervous. Can't you just park my car in a gap that's really big so I may just roar out of it without a driving test on your damn forecourt?! Must you park 4 other cars around it? The sorry scenario was worsened by the chap assuring me on handing over the keys: "You can get out of there, can't you?"
4. A disadvantage of sling wearing. If the other child falls into a river, you can't jump on after her and expect to remain buoyant.
5. A disadvantage of sling wearing. Your child will steal sandwiches and tuck them into the sling like a SWAG Joey.
6. The array of sun protection and lotions in supermarkets and pharmacies adds to my doubt that I probably should not keep venturing out unprotected.
7. My leathery face contributes to this ponder.
8.  Pale blue is a shirt colour that suits all men.
9. My toddler son had an argument today with his own mirror reflection on public. I was very embarrassed. He even knew it was his reflection; he was just being a bit of a prat.
10. My daughter had to give our serviced car a "cuddle" when she arrived back from Playgroup. We really have done some things right.

Today's observations 07.06.2014

1. It is entirely possible (based on current situ and past musings) to have a hangover that is so extreme in form that it actually brings you to tears.
2. OH and I went out last night to a popular local waterfront boozer. It was an impromptu night out; we were meeting some new friends and we had childcare sorted for the evening. Despite ( as regular readers will know) being a fairly accomplished drinker, I became very drunk, very quickly. Luckily, our new comrades were the social sort too and followed suit and were great fun. You know you've made a proper new girlfriend when she puts your shoes on for you in a funky wine bar. And doesn't even ask why you took them off in the first place. She just does it.
2. This afternoon I realised why I had taken my shoes off. It's a sorry rule that women will never learn. You DO.NOT wear new shoes on a night out. It's a ridiculous concept. You should wear them in the garden for a week leading up to your desired event. Don't be a fool. My new shoes have a spot of blood, around the size of a 10p, on the left little toe area.
3. My little toe is sore. I'll explain the state of it. Take a chipolata sausage. Squash it together with your hands. Strip the sausage skin off. That's now my little toe.
4. Last nights shenanigans replaced an initial romantic night on for OH and I. I had purchased 2x fillet steaks, some fresh cut chips, rocket and posh stalky tomatoes from Marksy's. We ate them tonight. You really do get what you pay for. I don't use M&S much but I am consistently surprised at the excellent standard. We also have a nice bottle of Chianti to go with it but that can kiss my nauseous arse at the moment.
5. In one of the bars last night, I was standing in the patio garden with my new pal. We were chewing the fat about something when all of a sudden, the whole (packed) beer garden's occupants all surged forward towards us. There were a few "Ooophhhs" and "Woahhhh!". A woman had fallen over. She had misjudged the distance of a step and fell into the crowd. It would have been funny- but she did take quite a tumble and was wearing a short dress; compromising her dignity somewhat. However, the smokers of Bowman's were good sorts. They promptly enquired about her general welfare and picked her up. She was fine. The females amongst us quizzed her (perhaps a little sadistically) about the cause of the fall. Yep. New shoes.
6. The kids didn't arrive home from the grandparents today until 3pm. This provided us ample hangover slots. After vomiting several times this morning (the crying episode came after No2), I decided that I should shower to rinse off my hangover. That didn't work. I brushed my teeth again, but the plastic stick rummaging around in my mouth made me gag. I glugged a carton of orange juice; obviously ignorant to the fact that 12oranges swilling around in a scathed empty Hoover bag of a stomach was not wise. That didn't work. I had a bit more sleep. My OH sensed my need to be left completely alone and proceeded to keep pulling my pants down or poking my arm. He then, clearly in a much more chipper state than my own self, went downstairs to fix himself some breakfast. He returned back upstairs with a bowl of something and got back into bed next to me. I wouldn't have minded, but for some reason known only to God, he had boiled 3 eggs, mashed them up in a bowl, and brought them upstairs to eat. I was, naturally sick again. I don't know why he chose this peculiar nature of breakfast.
7. I started to feel a little better by 2pm. OH went and fetched a McDonalds for us. We actually ate it, very slowly and delicately, in bed. It was really fun. It's strange that for a clean-freak like me, you don't actually give a shit about crumbs in the bed when you feel so gut-wrenchingly ill.
8. My advice to other party-goers. An excellent boost to fitness from a rotten Hangover is a cold, icey, fizzy drink. I chose Fanta. It really hit the spot. Certainly much better that the cloudy glass of yesterday-water that I had been gingerly sipping since waking up.