Monday, 20 February 2017

A Gym Wanker.

A gym account by a non gym person.

This is what you can expect to happen when you go to a (busy) town gym.

1. You'll turn into Frank Spencer. You literally trip over everything. It's as if you don a clumsy guise as soon you you walk in the door. No object or contour is out of bounds. The purpose of this shift in gravity is to make you look like an incumbent oaf in front of slender shiny people. This evening, I tripped over a single piece of stray gaffer tape.
2. The worst bit of tripping on something, of course, is that 48 people pretends not to have seen you.
3. Picture this. You are on a cardio machine that moves your limbs around in a propelled flailing motion. It is actually going much faster than you feel comfortable with and the reps per minute (or whatever) are actually quicker than your brain can process.  I don't mean that conceptually - I mean that my brain can't keep up with the machine. This brings problems when you have to do something else in the middle of this workout, like for example, take a swig of water or adjust the speed; as soon as you take your hand off the handlebars, you lose balance and one of your legs stops moving altogether. This looks a bit funny on a cross trainer/ski machine thing when both of your feet end up in one foot rest.
4. Picture this. Same cardio machine. Got a degree of motion and fluidity. It's going ok. But this guy on the machine next to you keeps looking at you. He is trying to make eye contact. I obviously cannot possibly look at him so I look straight ahead.  Now, there is not a single activity in which a human being partakes which involves them looking dead ahead for 30-mins. Suffice to say, this felt very unnatural and a touch unsociable.
5. I listened to some music during the workout. I haven't done this in ages so it made for a good time. However, being surrounded by people, vigorous activity and having one of your vital senses (hearing) blocked out by 90's thrash metal has its disadvantages. Particularly when you feel that there's a chance that you might need to blow off. You simply cannot do this. You don't know how loud it will be, there are people in close proximity, they aren't wearing headphones and the impact of your feet on the stepping machine may maximise the noise of the trump.
6. That's it for now. I might even have a shower there next time. That will make for some meaty obs.

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